This morning, around 7:32 am central standard time, I awoke to find a gruesome spectacle: dismembered bodies on my couch. A double-homicide happened overnight in my house and I never even heard a thing. What you are about to see is not pretty and is for mature audiences only.
This is all that remains of the victims of a double homicide. The whereabouts of their missing parts are unknown at this time.
My screams of horror awoke the pooches in the house. What sort of monster could have perpetrated such an act? How could anyone murder two little, helpless white bears in such a violent way? And where, pray tell, were their missing parts? All these questions and more circled in my head. I needed to investigate.
The first victim was dismembered and two of the limbs were missing. Why did the killer leave one leg attached? Why did the killer leave a severed arm next to the body? These were the questions that begged an answer.
As I peered closer at the crime scene, I noticed there seemed to be an abundance of black hairs around the victims. Were these left by the killer on accident or were they left to throw me off the trail of the true killer by framing another? It was time to interrogate the suspects.
Rufus seemed perplexed by the whole ordeal.
Rufus seemed a little confused on what was actually happening. He couldn’t believe there could be a murderer in our midst. I didn’t think this simpleton could have actually performed this horrendous act by himself, but I had to ask the questions to be sure.
Me: Rufus, where were you between the hours of midnight and 7:30 this morning?
Rufus: In my kennel.
Me: Are you sure? No one let you out and you didn’t escape?
Rufus: Nope. You let me out this morning. If someone had let me out earlier, I probably would have peed on the floor. Did you see any urine?
Me: Well, no. Good point. Okay, I have to ask: Did you murder and dismember the two white bears on the couch or do you have any idea of who might have?
Rufus: No, I didn’t. I don’t want to be a snitch, but in the past Grimm has been sort of rough when he plays with those bears. Please, though, don’t tell him I said anything!
Zella was in a state of shock over the loss of two of her stuffed babies.
Rufus’ alibi seemed airtight, so I questioned Zella next. She adores all her babies and seemed to be in a state of shock over losing her two white bears in such a violent fashion. The fact that one was missing it’s head really seemed to disturb her.
Me: Zella, where were you between midnight and 7:30 this morning?
Zella: Oh, gosh, I’m just so distraught right now! I was sleeping next to you, remember? You really don’t think I had anything to do with this, do you? You know how much I love my babies. They are my life! Who could do such a thing? Why are you wasting time talking to me when you could be out finding the true monster who did this?!?
Me: Now, calm down. This is all routine. Plus, you have a history–remember the time you ate the face off your stuffed dog toy? The similarities are there, even if you don’t want to admit it.
Zella: That was a one-time thing and I was under the influence. Take my blood–I’m clean! I didn’t do this! If you won’t find this murderer, I will!
I left Zella to calm down while I went to find my last suspect. He was found contaminating the scene of the crime and my suspicions were up.
Grimm told me he was just helping to investigate. Was he..or was he covering up evidence against himself?
Me: Grimm, where were you between the hours of midnight and 7:30 this morning?
Grimm: Why, sleeping next to you and Zella. Don’t you remember me snoring?
Me: No, not really, but I do remember you jumping off the bed at some point during the night.
Grimm: I went to get a drink of water. Am I a suspect in this crime?
Me: Right now, you are a canine of interest. I am still gathering evidence and statements. I must say, though, it is a little bit suspicious that I found you tampering with the crime scene. Hiding something, hmm?
Grimm: No, I just was helping you investigate. Where do you think the missing parts are? Why aren’t you interviewing Charley? I smell a conspiracy and I think someone’s trying to frame me.
Me: I doubt that. Frankly, I think the missing parts are in your belly, but I can’t prove that until you either vomit them up or poop them out. Secondly, Charley would never do anything like this. He sleeps like the dead and doesn’t move from his bed. I have found some black hairs around the corpses, but I can’t prove anything…yet. Open up. Let me see your teeth. Any fiberfill stuck in there?
Grimm: I think I need a lawyer.
Grimm acts innocent, but is he really a serial stuffed animal killer? Only time will tell.
Proving that Grimm perpetrated this crime is proving to be a fool’s errand. He’s a slick one, for sure. All my evidence is circumstantial, so no real charges will stick. For now, he acts as sad and distraught over the loss of the stuffed bears as the others. Crocodile tears, I’m sure of it. Anyway, if you have any tips, please let me know. I would like to bring this murderer to justice.
The two stuffed bears are survived by the pink stuffed bunny, the faceless baby dog and the fluffy blue weenie dog toy. A memorial will be held next week. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to Save-A-Stuffy, an organization dedicated to refilling and restitching stuffed toys in need.
Grimm's Furry Tail 